One step more . . .

I thought it was high time now, to get back and look at what I had scratched previously. Similar piece of advice from many of my friends is not to write blogs that run for pages. I wasn't really sure how well did I drive the point which I wanted to in the previous two blogs.

Yesterday, I finally managed a big heap on top of the first stone that I had on my way. I gotto wait for another month, to really know if I have cleared it. Atleast my mind is in a clear state about what to do next ? Got 1 more month from now to take a run up for the second jump. The even more painful thing with the second stone is that I got to wait for a month and a half more to know if i fell down hurting my ankle or crossed another stone on the way. I have started relying too much on time to decide things for me. Is that a correct strategy or am I just convincing myself with an invalid reason. Atleast I hope I will realise what to do as time rolls by. Maybe becos I exactly know what to do for the next one month. I also do know what to do for today. My hard disk drive got crashed and I gave it for service last week. All the time when my laptop was there with me, I never cared even a bit for him. I missed my laptop too much last week. Hopefully my guy will come back to action today.

I wanted to put down something about my boldness in putting off celebrations last weekend.Considering my previous bashy but painful experience around same time last year, I really didnt wanna make it up this time. But things have changed so much between the last one and this one. I believe , that I knew from deep down the burrows, that I am goin to miss it big time. I prepared mentally for it for quite sometime. When the day arrived, I was invited to my friend's place for a bash with them. Took my time , and went coolly and filled up my stomach and killed time watching Vasoolraja M.B.B.S in parallel with Hariharan's fabulous display of his vocals. Just didnt feel indifferent at all at that time in Kuka's house. They were so go damn kind and it looked like they already knew the thing that I missed this time. Jus when I was about to leave, Kuka's parents made me believe that they were more like my parents, gave me a lovely gift and home made sweets as well. Felt out of the world. Got blessings from them . All fit and fine went back yday and stepped across my first stone. Then came the most amazing time that I spent leaving apart my usual mid afternoon sleep filled with a horrible dream. I visited Hema Ma'm and their family. Was extremely glad to know that I am goin to meet them inside N.A.L for the first time. I did miss company at that time. Went on for a lovely long evening walk gazing past the calm and relaxed N.A.L environment. I felt like this is the place I wanna land up to. Even when I was strolling past those lovely colorful flower pots inside the campus, I didnt feel a thing. I met sir and ma'm and cute ishita. They requested me to join them in bursting crackers in the night. Thats when a pinch of sense of missing something crept into my mind. Later spoke to my mom and dad abt the day. Thats when I felt I could see the difference in their voice too realising the fact that both their sons ditched them on a lovely ocassion. With home grub on its way, i dun think I can redo the pain that I went through, but I can ensure now that am not gonna miss anymore. Waiting for the big thing coming in January. Keeping my fingers crossed hoping that nothing else comes up in the way.

I think from now on, its high time to catch up the tide I missed. Will take off here now. Gotto put in a lot to make my dream of flying past the second stone come true.

The day of mixed thoughts

13/10/2006 is definitely an unforgettable day in my life,not for my mind but for my soul. I don't know why Americans say '13' is a bad number. I usually do not believe in numerology. But my mind told me, that I am gonna suffer this day (Is it because of 13).I had a wrathful dream last night that, although my internal alarm woke me up at 6(I then realised that I had forgotten to set the alarm in my mobile the previous night), my dream forced me to sleep for some more time to see the end of the story. I am not able to make out what my subconscious mind was thinking. But when I woke up at 8:30, I realised that it was terrible and disastrous. My mind told me that I am gonna face something terrible this day. Thankfully, I didnt get damaged physically,I almost hit a maruti 800 that was going in front of me this morning. I have never applied such a heavy brake so far. Soon after that happened I realised that my heart was beating at a pace similar to a flight taking off. So then it had got to be in my mind. I appreciate the power of Supreme's virtues in carving out my day in such a mixed manner that end of the day I understood the whole plot behind how he has done this day. I wonder if this mechanic has ever tightened the screws in my head tightly. But I am able to feel the bondage between the mind and soul today. This day was meant for my mind to undergo non-stop questions and quick replies which would although put me in a driver's seat but some unknown creature in me woke up and told me that I am goin to regret that solution.

It all started at 11 in the morning with my Mr.D's phone call that led to the complete collapse of my inner creature. My inner creature cried out for help. But I know there's something wrong with me. But my mind asked me to cover it up and defend it. I did that very well, but still my inner creature had a very tough time. I quickly went to my very own Mr.L and told him everything. He soothed me and suggested that I could still cover it up. From somewhere today I got the power to accept my mistakes as well. My mind is usually very lazy to accept mistakes. I was surprised how come today it accepted everything. Then I understood that my mind had developed a strong enmity for Mr.D and had proposed to attack him not by an arrow but by words and prove a point which was never revealed to him by anybody so far. My inner creature had been burning in agony for quite some time now and the 11 a.m phone call added some oil to the wick. Now I realise that I had tried to pour out too much of water into it that it burnt even more than before. I was restless and nervous from 10 till 12.30 when my Mr.M was in a meeting. Finally got him at 12.30 and poured out my frustration in a separate conference room to him. He was quick to understand my struggle and soothed me a lot. I came to know that he was also on my side. My mind felt out of the world when it knew that I am going to attack Mr.D in the afternoon.

I had almost forgotten what the day was when I went for lunch today.Didn't know why, but I took out a totally unrelated question in the lunch table and was getting everybody's views about it. Well,I think my stupid mind came to know the pain experienced by my inner soul and it tried to divert my thinking. Just then when I finished my lunch I got that fear of facing the afternoon phone call. My Inner guy knew my problem and as usual he made me restless. But something stopped me and said that "wait dude just cool it. You have got it right this time and give a damn about what other people think and just go attack it." At 2.30 it was only me and Mr.M ringing up my Mr.D . A small fear came in but it was quickly white washed with not even a single mark of stain and my brand new school of thought of attack came into my mind. The meeting started with me accepting my mistake and promise that I won't repeat it. My acceptance of the mistake didnt put me down rather it poured in a bucket full of ghee which blewed up my inner soul to glow even brighter. When I figured out that the meeting was about to get over and I didnt yet attack made me panic for a moment. Then I quickly started and poured out that one long golden ntence. Probably even a person who has mastered the Webster's dictionary would not be able to make out the structure of that long sentence. I am still not able to recollect what I spoke. But that my mind knew what exactly to utter. He came out and he fired non-stop without breaking even for a moment just like one of those machine guns that Arnold Schwarzeneger uses which fires thousands of bullets in a matter of 5 seconds. There we go. Made the boldest of my statements. Before I could realise the sense that it made on the other end, it looked like the perfect message was conveyed. huff.... my god.... I didnt know that inner guy was so rude this time. Mr.D precisely understood what that 500m long sentence meant and he quickly reacted to that . The reaction was already expected by me, so i didnt waste a moment there further and quickly walked out. My mind felt out of the world for a moment and as usual quickly went to Mr.L to enjoy with him. The inner soul came out of the hot fumes and was bathing in cold water.

The very next moment this inner guy went back to the passive mood again. Something hurted this guy very badly. Now, my mind came out with a big vengeance. Everybody nows that the most powerful way of expressing things is email. So my mind started pouring in a quick email. Baap re... it was so powerful that a person who reads it will get a heart attack. Just to avoid that heart attack, here n there I added a few please's and kindly's. My mind again felt happy for that and went back to Mr.L to share such a joyous email. Mr.M caught me in the middle and told me to just calm down a bit. Mr.L is extremely supportive to me. He came and removed all the please's and kindly's. This email was now an extremely powerful weapon mightier than the Sultan of Akbar's thin and sharp sword. Email happily went and I was feeling at cloud of nine.

I was well into 5 ish. I quickly did a very few impt things which was due for quite sometime now. I gludged on the Dhahi vada in snacks and was about to leave. Slowly and gradually my inner guy told me that I did something which would hurt somebody. It got reflected then. It has really affected Mr.D that the issue got escalated to the Mr.B . Finally, my lead came out and told me to relax. Things are fine. Mr. B feels that the point which was made was very right and understandable, but the way it was told was little too stronger for my level it seems. I thought I gave a damn about it. Well, I don't know why but my inner guy has now started feeling the pain even more stronger. Did I really hate somebody ? It is true. I did hurt Mr.D and I enjoyed it . But Why was I still feeling bad. Mgmt always considers the level of mine as irrespectable. We are compared to the level of freshers. This hurts me even more. I don't understand why people in India are reluctant to respect people for the work they do rather than the expereince they have. This is one major reason why I hate my job. Indeed I don't hate my job but I am getting too much pissed off becos of the amount of politics revolving around.

Best part is just abt to come. Well, I came back at 7 in the evening . Wanted to narrate this whole stuff to my mom. But she was busy with a show from her favourite sanskar channel. Didnt disturb her. I wanted to take a test. But , then the frequent power cuts upset that plan as well. Vehemently was waiting to blurt out all that happened with me today to somebody. I know the person who wud be shud be sheikh. I called him and asked him to come home early for a coffee. Power got cut twice in the mean time. When I met sheikh and before I started to talk about him outside our famous bakery, he started talking to me. The amount of intensity that he had showed looked like he had had a similar fight at his office. And infact it had happened that way it seems . After he finished I told the whole stuff to him. Was feeling a bit relaxed.

Then I came back home and was surprised to see a new email in my inbox. It came from my mr.b . I read that slowly and steadily. Didnt understand it at once. So I again went over it. After going thru the same email 10 times, I understood the content of that email. My cute little mr.b had so politely sketched that email with what he learnt from Bhagavad gita. This email touched me so much that in that moment, it looked as if I was floating in the mid air. Well it was so much moving and appeasing all my senses that my inner guy felt the difference. It felt as if my guy was waving through the cloud of nine. I didnt know that my dear mr.b had changed so much. When I read through the email I really felt like kissing him that moment,if he had been nearby. That email was the least of my expectations and it calmed down all my spirits, body, mind and soul. Boy Oh boy, I got to thank my mechanic for pulling all the strings in my head together in the same day. He pulled up each and every other string and squeezed it for a minute so tightly with a strong rope and when he left the rope it felt as if every other string landed in heaven.I enjoyed this moment so much. i quickly rang up mr.b and solved one more of his issue. It feels gr8 to be at this part of time. That very moment I decided that I have got all reasons as to why I should write this blog. It took me close to 3 hours tonight. I just didnt feel like giving it up at all. I really don't know if I will ever sleep tonight. Rather what will go into my dreams. Whatever it is, I am not going to bother at all. Bcos I have reached the saturation limit of all possible ups and downs at all levels on the same day. 13/10/06(Technically, 14/10/2006 1:20 a.m)

Stuck with the problem of Choice

Every individual born in this world will at some point of time in life encounter this dangling question of what does he really want to do with his life. How does one realise the solution to such a tough question. Is the answer to that question actually defines his destiny. Is that destiny ever a happy ending or a sad demise. Ultimately, what would an individual like to prove to this world ?
Sadly, I am also a part of this humanity that bears the sin of "Knowedge to think".

What do I want to do in Life ?

My dreams are haunted by this stupid question. I didnt have any idea abt what this is all about untill atleast 6 months back. I don't know who was that crazy person and what was he upto when he drove into me this riddle. Usually, I enjoy a lot solving puzzles. Once this question creeped into my mind, I have almost stopped solving puzzles. I don't understand head and tail of where I am heading to in my career.

Only now I started realising what am I working for in this company. What is it that I really want to do in life ? I don't see any point why should somebody hate my kind of work in a semiconductor industry like the one where I am. Neither do I. All that what I do is the verification of a network swiching hardware. we roll out something like 3 to 4 SOC's per year. I will be working on atleast 2 per year. Before I entered the work life, I have had really big dreams of what I wanted to work on ? Looking at what I was doing all this while, I would feel thats it. You got the thingie dude.

But trying to imagine like 5 years down the line will I still be loving to do the same stuff. "No way , Am not in for it ?" are the quick words that my mind utters.
Then what is the thing that I wanted to do in the prime time of my life is a HUGE mark lying just in front of me. This question has been hitting me left and right for quite some time now.

The first panacea to the problem is this. I have always been passionate about Mathematics. During my college days, the topmost layer of the so-called creamy days was that of my 3rd year in which although I didnt do everything to the best of my potential,but still I had developed tremendous passion for mathematics. Especially the interest, enthusiasm and the satisfaction that I get when I understand a theorem full fledgedly was at its heights in the core math courses, I am here referring to the abstract study. But I am still wondering if I have the right skill set in me to do research in Mathematics. Will pursuing higher studies in Mathematics really drench my thirst for math and my love for abstractness. Thinking down the lane after 5 yrs of acquiring a ph.D what do I still want to do ? This annoys me more. God give me the power to know what I am 5 years from now. But then, its fun without knowing it anyway. I think rather everybody will have to answer this question. On Analysing a little deeper, what will make me really happy in mathematics may not be the research that I do, rather, if I am able to convey what I think to atleast one person in life and make him understand the same.I will be on cloud nine. When both my parents are teacher, then why shouldnt I be a teacher too.

What really instigated me is the vast knowledge that our Vedas had which was never understood by ourselves. Rather it took years of western intervention to really understand the values which we oursselves had in abundance but were lost for a while. I have been referring to rather one section of Vedas which is Vedic Mathematics. There had always been an inner motive in me to understand Vedic Mathematics full fledgedly and pass it on to the younger generation. That way I guess my soul will reap its happiest moments when I make atleast one young kid not to hate mathematics anymore in his life through the knowledge of Vedic Mathematics that I had share with him. (Just now I remembered my middle school teacher, named Sethuraman, was the first person to teach me vedic mathematics that drove away the fear of mathematics that I had in my lower grade. I become too nostalgic when I remember that summer in school which had really kicked in my interest for math.)
Now I really know the roots of this solution. But is it all. I have got one more option.

The other solution which arose in my mind is this mad craze happening with the Management education. I have got infinite set of questions stored in this think tank for this one as to how will it suit me. But the most striking question that I have had for quite some time now is
"Exactly what is it that management education has that just sucks students into it. Why is there a mad rush towards MBA ? "
Offlate, I have been spending sleepless nights trying to resolve this dreadful set of questions. Definitely the end result of the financial status is something I had the wildest dreams about. I am very much aware of the status of my family. I have heard bed time stories starting from my ancestors 5 generations above me all the way till the 5 sisters and 2 sons of my grandfather. The best example of how a community had its sons and daughters who received outstanding awards of very high status for their hardworkmanship to all the way till my unemployed grandfather was vivid from my sect of the so -called vellan chettiars. But I am not gonna worry about the past. Rather think of getting a good ,if not the best and the luxurious and a neat house with a lovely little garden outside with couple of easy chairs for my parents facing the sunset in a clean and an open environment , so called living with the nature. I hope my next generation will provide one such thing to me as well. Putting aside this factor of money what else would I bank upon as my motivation towards management.

If you ask me about this, from the deep down inside, comes this word called "Entrepreneurship"? I don't even know if I have spelled it right.
But I have had night mares thinking about this question. Think of the satisfaction that this young, bright and energetic, never say die soul would receive when I can start a firm on my own employing hundreds of people, serving the daily bread for atleast 400 members of their families and that can bring happiness to atleast 1000 more survivors who depend upon them. There are thousands of villages in India where there is no electricity and even the meagre little basic emenities. I do dream about getting them to higher status. But still I am not this social worker kinds who spends the whole life on it. I don't say thats wrong. But am not for it. Mabbe if I can open an organisation which just shares the sufficient and required information in creating an awareness in atleast one village ( that's too much ) atleast in one villager about the rights that he actually own in this country, the fundamental rights which he should enjoy here although he is not, then I would definitely feel that India is really developing. There are so many poor souls who stays out of their village for earning their daily wages. For only 5 years , I have suffered the pain of staying away from my parents. how would a person survive in foreign land just for this one thing called earning money. Instead if I am able to open even a small cottage industry in the rural side and employ the villagers through which the basic amenities would be fulfilled in their lives, then it really shows signs of improvement of the nation as a whole. So Am I really game for it ?
I would proudly say, my motivation had been the rags to riches tale of Sarath babu who is none other than another Bitsiian. Well I don't know if I am going to succeed in my pursuit. But I think this will open up a lot other young minds of india who will soon realise their responsibility in life and serve atleast a penny to their co-survivors.

Now comes the really tough part of having understood the things that I really wanted to. Is that ALL ?. Well what should I choose.

Off late, I have started realising how the problem of choice has been the biggest threat to mankind's progress. I definitely don't have the courage to take a stand on this right now. I definitely feel I still have a long time to go in life before which one day I have to say YES , I am goin to do this and this only.

Is there a solution to this. Rather there is, but when will i realise the solution ? how long can I postpone this wrathful dead of facing the problem of choice. What's written on my head. Well I don't wanna know the future, but will time provide me the tools to realise the option that I gonna choose .

A for apple

Believe me, it took ample amount of time for me to realise the necessity of blogging. I indeed had an opinion that guys who never knew what to do with their time were maintaining this sick website.
Having realized the fact that I too belong to the good old species of the so - called "Homo sapiens",born with the sin of "Knowledge to think", finally decided to step in today 10/10/2006. 5:56 p.m. Hats off for this grand opening of unravelling the mystery