The day of mixed thoughts

13/10/2006 is definitely an unforgettable day in my life,not for my mind but for my soul. I don't know why Americans say '13' is a bad number. I usually do not believe in numerology. But my mind told me, that I am gonna suffer this day (Is it because of 13).I had a wrathful dream last night that, although my internal alarm woke me up at 6(I then realised that I had forgotten to set the alarm in my mobile the previous night), my dream forced me to sleep for some more time to see the end of the story. I am not able to make out what my subconscious mind was thinking. But when I woke up at 8:30, I realised that it was terrible and disastrous. My mind told me that I am gonna face something terrible this day. Thankfully, I didnt get damaged physically,I almost hit a maruti 800 that was going in front of me this morning. I have never applied such a heavy brake so far. Soon after that happened I realised that my heart was beating at a pace similar to a flight taking off. So then it had got to be in my mind. I appreciate the power of Supreme's virtues in carving out my day in such a mixed manner that end of the day I understood the whole plot behind how he has done this day. I wonder if this mechanic has ever tightened the screws in my head tightly. But I am able to feel the bondage between the mind and soul today. This day was meant for my mind to undergo non-stop questions and quick replies which would although put me in a driver's seat but some unknown creature in me woke up and told me that I am goin to regret that solution.

It all started at 11 in the morning with my Mr.D's phone call that led to the complete collapse of my inner creature. My inner creature cried out for help. But I know there's something wrong with me. But my mind asked me to cover it up and defend it. I did that very well, but still my inner creature had a very tough time. I quickly went to my very own Mr.L and told him everything. He soothed me and suggested that I could still cover it up. From somewhere today I got the power to accept my mistakes as well. My mind is usually very lazy to accept mistakes. I was surprised how come today it accepted everything. Then I understood that my mind had developed a strong enmity for Mr.D and had proposed to attack him not by an arrow but by words and prove a point which was never revealed to him by anybody so far. My inner creature had been burning in agony for quite some time now and the 11 a.m phone call added some oil to the wick. Now I realise that I had tried to pour out too much of water into it that it burnt even more than before. I was restless and nervous from 10 till 12.30 when my Mr.M was in a meeting. Finally got him at 12.30 and poured out my frustration in a separate conference room to him. He was quick to understand my struggle and soothed me a lot. I came to know that he was also on my side. My mind felt out of the world when it knew that I am going to attack Mr.D in the afternoon.

I had almost forgotten what the day was when I went for lunch today.Didn't know why, but I took out a totally unrelated question in the lunch table and was getting everybody's views about it. Well,I think my stupid mind came to know the pain experienced by my inner soul and it tried to divert my thinking. Just then when I finished my lunch I got that fear of facing the afternoon phone call. My Inner guy knew my problem and as usual he made me restless. But something stopped me and said that "wait dude just cool it. You have got it right this time and give a damn about what other people think and just go attack it." At 2.30 it was only me and Mr.M ringing up my Mr.D . A small fear came in but it was quickly white washed with not even a single mark of stain and my brand new school of thought of attack came into my mind. The meeting started with me accepting my mistake and promise that I won't repeat it. My acceptance of the mistake didnt put me down rather it poured in a bucket full of ghee which blewed up my inner soul to glow even brighter. When I figured out that the meeting was about to get over and I didnt yet attack made me panic for a moment. Then I quickly started and poured out that one long golden ntence. Probably even a person who has mastered the Webster's dictionary would not be able to make out the structure of that long sentence. I am still not able to recollect what I spoke. But that my mind knew what exactly to utter. He came out and he fired non-stop without breaking even for a moment just like one of those machine guns that Arnold Schwarzeneger uses which fires thousands of bullets in a matter of 5 seconds. There we go. Made the boldest of my statements. Before I could realise the sense that it made on the other end, it looked like the perfect message was conveyed. huff.... my god.... I didnt know that inner guy was so rude this time. Mr.D precisely understood what that 500m long sentence meant and he quickly reacted to that . The reaction was already expected by me, so i didnt waste a moment there further and quickly walked out. My mind felt out of the world for a moment and as usual quickly went to Mr.L to enjoy with him. The inner soul came out of the hot fumes and was bathing in cold water.

The very next moment this inner guy went back to the passive mood again. Something hurted this guy very badly. Now, my mind came out with a big vengeance. Everybody nows that the most powerful way of expressing things is email. So my mind started pouring in a quick email. Baap re... it was so powerful that a person who reads it will get a heart attack. Just to avoid that heart attack, here n there I added a few please's and kindly's. My mind again felt happy for that and went back to Mr.L to share such a joyous email. Mr.M caught me in the middle and told me to just calm down a bit. Mr.L is extremely supportive to me. He came and removed all the please's and kindly's. This email was now an extremely powerful weapon mightier than the Sultan of Akbar's thin and sharp sword. Email happily went and I was feeling at cloud of nine.

I was well into 5 ish. I quickly did a very few impt things which was due for quite sometime now. I gludged on the Dhahi vada in snacks and was about to leave. Slowly and gradually my inner guy told me that I did something which would hurt somebody. It got reflected then. It has really affected Mr.D that the issue got escalated to the Mr.B . Finally, my lead came out and told me to relax. Things are fine. Mr. B feels that the point which was made was very right and understandable, but the way it was told was little too stronger for my level it seems. I thought I gave a damn about it. Well, I don't know why but my inner guy has now started feeling the pain even more stronger. Did I really hate somebody ? It is true. I did hurt Mr.D and I enjoyed it . But Why was I still feeling bad. Mgmt always considers the level of mine as irrespectable. We are compared to the level of freshers. This hurts me even more. I don't understand why people in India are reluctant to respect people for the work they do rather than the expereince they have. This is one major reason why I hate my job. Indeed I don't hate my job but I am getting too much pissed off becos of the amount of politics revolving around.

Best part is just abt to come. Well, I came back at 7 in the evening . Wanted to narrate this whole stuff to my mom. But she was busy with a show from her favourite sanskar channel. Didnt disturb her. I wanted to take a test. But , then the frequent power cuts upset that plan as well. Vehemently was waiting to blurt out all that happened with me today to somebody. I know the person who wud be shud be sheikh. I called him and asked him to come home early for a coffee. Power got cut twice in the mean time. When I met sheikh and before I started to talk about him outside our famous bakery, he started talking to me. The amount of intensity that he had showed looked like he had had a similar fight at his office. And infact it had happened that way it seems . After he finished I told the whole stuff to him. Was feeling a bit relaxed.

Then I came back home and was surprised to see a new email in my inbox. It came from my mr.b . I read that slowly and steadily. Didnt understand it at once. So I again went over it. After going thru the same email 10 times, I understood the content of that email. My cute little mr.b had so politely sketched that email with what he learnt from Bhagavad gita. This email touched me so much that in that moment, it looked as if I was floating in the mid air. Well it was so much moving and appeasing all my senses that my inner guy felt the difference. It felt as if my guy was waving through the cloud of nine. I didnt know that my dear mr.b had changed so much. When I read through the email I really felt like kissing him that moment,if he had been nearby. That email was the least of my expectations and it calmed down all my spirits, body, mind and soul. Boy Oh boy, I got to thank my mechanic for pulling all the strings in my head together in the same day. He pulled up each and every other string and squeezed it for a minute so tightly with a strong rope and when he left the rope it felt as if every other string landed in heaven.I enjoyed this moment so much. i quickly rang up mr.b and solved one more of his issue. It feels gr8 to be at this part of time. That very moment I decided that I have got all reasons as to why I should write this blog. It took me close to 3 hours tonight. I just didnt feel like giving it up at all. I really don't know if I will ever sleep tonight. Rather what will go into my dreams. Whatever it is, I am not going to bother at all. Bcos I have reached the saturation limit of all possible ups and downs at all levels on the same day. 13/10/06(Technically, 14/10/2006 1:20 a.m)