In the last 3 months......

I have been denying myself from entering this site for quite a while now. My heart says just do it atleast this time and here I am. Loads of things have happened for me and around me over the last 3 months. I really dunno if I was waiting for something big to happen. But the truth is I have been saying myself " not this time, perharps some time later ... " for such a long time that before I turn back, alas I am already into the 3rd month of the brand new year. In the early December, I gave myself a forceful thought of what I am really upto for the end of this year. Now when I look back at it, those colorful days seems to be just a dream. My ego claims that I cannot do that anymore. Loads of changes around me have happened. I tried to refrain myself from those changes. By the time I realised that those changes have strolled past me, I found myself torn to pieces that can't even be stitched together. With peer pressure knocking in all directions, I survived a dark foot path in late december. But I should say the so-called Ultimate power saved me by giving the opportunity to attend the Ashtavakhra geetha sessions. (!!! That reminds me I must have to write a separate blog about those sessions!!!). I am unable to make out that sheer strength in me that drives me towards divinity, eternity and peace. I got royally screwed with tonnes of work at office, combined with faster deadlines for satisfying my thirst of research. Those were the days when it appeared that the grass was really green on the side on which I dreamt off. It didnt strike me that there were huge pillars on the path which were blocking that serene look. And so I went on collided on one of them and got stopped on my quest for knowledge. Hopefully it’s temporary. With not so satisfied temperament I did finish off all that was calling before me.

Towards end of Jan 2007, I got voluntarily caught in the wave of Real Estate. The strikingly disastrous question, "Should I do this now or not?” troubled me quite often in past. It did this time as well. But something inside me told that I gotto go for it now. Several questions like will I be able to bear the loan now? Should I pass on the responsibility to my parents when I am off? Does it serve justice to them? were dangling before me. On the other hand the alarming growth of the interest rates for home loans was dilly-dallying. So I went for it as I also knew that I can deny paying huge taxes from the pennies that I save. I knew my dreams might be doomed. But still I went for it, hoping that it will also satisfy my long time thirst of buying more space for my house. It used to pain me at the deepest roots of my heart when the so-called rare visitors/guests ask my dad “why don’t you move to a bigger house?”. That’s the internal reason behind why I wanna give more space for my family so badly and dearly. My mom n dad were very happy with the one built right opposite to my current house. So I launched myself on it and finished all the formalities with in a fortnight. Next came the unfortunate month and the unfortunate day on which I was born 24 years ago. I had to put up with tonnes of bad news hidden in my horoscope on the very same day. I was startled to hear that my dreams were about to get battered and beaten to death. A whole lot of do’s and don’t’s. Maan !!! It just can’t get worse. Eventually I started realizing that it will happen that way, as I didn’t have that sense of happiness which I used to enjoy for tiny things in life in my childhood during the time when I was striving hard to pay the tickets for setting my foot on the distinctly huge second mountain. Slowly, I was getting the sense of “why not rebuild my first hill?” But perhaps with a little more confidence and the sense of cracking it atleast this time. I could already hear the wedding bells ringing all around me not only in my team but also in the closest of my friends’ circle, and has started to hint me that there’s someone waiting for me. I still don’t understand what stops me from nodding my head before my parents for searching a partner for me, as I feel that am yet to step out of my cradle when it comes to this so-called beginning of a new phase in every man’s life.

Although, the results of my leap on the big fat second mountain will be known to me only towards the later half of March or even later than that, it looks like the nine-planets standing and shifting from different positions have already pre-decided on what I am upto at the end of this academic year. And this is the part which I hate the most. Its great to check your horoscope to find a meaning for your life, or rather find a matching partner. But I hate the conviction of following closely on what’s in a horoscope. I am sure there are millions of lives in a planet which doesn’t even know the fact that “There exists a horoscope for every element belonging to this lonely planet”. Why not I am one of them? I doubt if there’s ever a horoscope which looks green from all directions. It seems like, in mine there are hardly any green patches surrounded by thick dense red forests. I strongly believe that one should lead his life chasing his own dreams, desires and ambitions and need not fill the pockets of the horoscope reader who only tells you that you ought to say a hello to so and so, on so and so day of the week at the end of which you don’t find a day on whose right side you find no name. I would love to go back in time and question the first person who understood and developed that 3 * 3 matrix and predicted the future of somebody else’s lives. I am extremely anxious to figure out if he has really read his nine boxes first in place.

Whatever is supposed to happen in this 60 to 70 odd years of my life, let it happen. I will have to try and rework on what I really wanna do with this lifespan. Will I achieve what I wanna do? And how should I proceed to plan the thing that I wanna achieve? All these guys come one after another tormenting the wounded soldier. Give some more time to the soldier to rest in peace within himself. Let time operate him.