hufff ....... with a sigh of relief

Have been anxiously waiting for this time to come to pen down all my thoughts stacked up for about a month now. I exactly knew whats' to come in the last month and knew how to handle it. I knew the end result well in hand still tried my best to keep myself away from getting affected by it . I was in a tranquilised state preparing for CAT. During the course of last 2 weeks that I spent in home under the false pretence of preparation I had a nice time off work. I enjoyed the 2 weeks thoroughly eating, sleeping and ofcourse taking tests and analysing. In the mean time I got to know that I stepped across my first step and most probably the only step. On trying the big leap forward across on to the second step my bum hit the thick and sharp pointed pole and I hit back and fell right across without clearing the menial height. I was defeated thoroughly. I realised that I am slowly starting to mature in taking up the defeat. I knew there's always the next time. Although I was taken aback, I havent really lost the touch of fighting. I didnt bell the cat but atleast it had left a euphonious ring in me to do it next time. The more I felt miserable about the failure the more passionate I became about cracking the next.

All work and no play makes a jack a dull boy is what I learnt previously. But with the kind of work that am in for the last 2 years I dont think there was any thing to work upon. Several technologies come and go and perharps the person who introduces the technology uses much more grey area in his brain cells than the one who implements it. I havent bothered really to unleash darker regions of my brain so far. For these two years I have never faced a real challenge and I used to avert it more often. CAT is a big challenge. Its not easy and at the same time not too difficult as well. I really enjoyed a lot preparing to take up this challenge. I gave it all up thrice in the middle but due to some unknown calls from the nature, I was called back in again and again. I had a really nice time trying to learn shortcuts. Revising back all that I studied 5 years ago gave me a relishing experience. I relied too much on Quant and DI which I knew I was good enough. Verbal was onething that daunted me right from day one. And on the D-Day I lost miserably in that. During those few days of learning the basics and solving some potentially very good problems, I figured out that I spent more time in appreciating the wonders of math rather than really solving it.

I think more or less I have realised that Math is gonna play a major role in my life. I must mention, about my IISC prof here who warned me at this stage. He brought up an unusual argument when I visited him last time. He asked me on what grounds have you understood that Mathematics is your interest ? I was stuck for a moment. Although I gave him a quick reply it is still echoing inside my mind. Perharps he still has a point which I have not got yet. Feeling more passionate about something is very easy. Questioning your passion is what leaves a bad remark on the self. Well still long time to go for the final choice. But more or less the choice I believe was pre-decided for me. Realising the choice is what lies ahead of me. Am planning to take some stern steps inorder to do this.

I got to mention about my frame of mind one day before the D-Day. I was advised not to study anything means absolutely nothing. Had plans of taking a test but as ppl advised it cud be suicidal, i dropped it. spent the morning watching friends and laughing my heart out. Afternoon took a lovely drive to Rajaji nagar dropped into a Hanuman Temple near ISKCON. Had a heavy lunch and came back home and slept.I did have the hint of "whats for tomorrow" was always vaciallting in my mind. evening I went to Satsang that reverberated me. Lost in singing songs abt the divine, I felt gracious of feeling something supernatural. b4 it ended I started thinking abt the misery felt by my close circle of relations for my indifferent attitude towards their relationship in this month. I just realised that I was away from home for 4 months completely (one sem of BITS) denied myself of T.V and all celebrations in that time. Thats when I felt home sick. Well I think its now time to begin hunting for all that I lost during this time. My mind became clear after Satsang. Without unduly worrying about the D-Day, I revised all formuales.

As the D-Day is past now, I got to focus on my fun part of life. I am now dilly - dallying between the Salsa workshop / home visit for the weekend. Lemme see what works out. Got to spend some time on planning the stern steps for the future as well.